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Confession time...

I have a confession to make and I say this publicly (well to anyone who chooses to read my blog at least) because I believe it is relatable to most and hopefully will be an encouragement. 
I have been struggling with frustration lately and have way too often let it get the best of me. I reached my pinnacle when I arrived home recently and was trying to make my way inside while carrying a bunch of stuff in my arms and trying to be sure my toddler didn't wander off or eat a rock. I repeatedly told him "no, don't pick up the rock...leave the rocks alone...come help me open the door." Nothing would distract him from his task to pick out the perfect rock and pick it up. This frustrated me so much! And then to top it all my key got stuck in my front door and I couldn't get it out fast enough (in my mind) so I could go and have a talk with the previously mentioned toddler who wasn't obeying. Ahhhh!! So what did I do?? Did I calmly take a deep breath and slow down so I could process what step to take next? Well of course not! I proceeded to kick my front door, right there in front of God and everyone in my neighborhood who might have outside/watching/driving by. But that's not all...was my shame in this action from the fact that I lost my cool when I should have controlled my frustration? Nope, I was more worried about the idea that I acted this way where people could see it and who knows what they were thinking about me. I am pretty sure that people don't think of the pastor's wife as perfect (I sure hope not!) but I certainly didn't want people seeing me react in this way. I told Trent about what happened and that I was ashamed, and even why I was ashamed. He looked at me and said something I won't forget for a while...."every mom on our street has been where you are." That moment was eye opening and meant so much to me.  I was so concerned with how people saw/thought of me that I hadn't even thought about the fact that they might know exactly what I was going through and remember the days they did the same thing. I didn't think about how others could relate to my situation and see that I am just like everyone else. Those words of my wise husband made me feel so much better. 
But... I still need to work on my heart.  Forget what people think about me...what does my God and creator think of me for losing my cool? That should be my main focus in life not pleasing others and living up to their standards. My life should be about glorifying God, especially in those trying times. Over the past few weeks and maybe months, I have seen this shift in my life to lose my cool way too fast. Everything seems to be frustrating me, although this was the first time I kicked something because of it.  I am constantly reminded that this little boy God has entrusted to me is watching my every move and learning from it. Do I want him to react the way I do, throwing his hands up and storming off because something didn't go his way?  No way! Then why is it ok for me? My circumstances can not be an excuse for my reactions.  Sure I may be tired and have spent the day trying to teach/discipline a going on two year old all while working from home as an accountant and trying to get things done for work, but that shouldn't be an excuse to let my frustration get the best of me.  As I have been more aware of my issue, I keep having the thought in my mind..."you are being tried/tested...and you are failing."  Then I get more frustrated because I don't seem to be learning from my mistakes. But at least I am more aware of it I suppose. I have a long way to go, but so know God will see me through it. Thank goodness He loves me and saw fit to send his Son to pay for my sins.  My goals for the future is to take a moment when times get trying and think about my reaction before I react; take a deep breath and react with grace and love not frustration. So if you see me having a moment, smile and wave, and pray for me! I hear the terrible twos are trying and can last a while! :) 

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